


I Love You

by tricksterwithwings



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Character Death, Demon Ciel Phantomhive, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Sad Start, mentions of abuse, minor future setting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 16:41:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4107805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tricksterwithwings/pseuds/tricksterwithwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'But it's too late. I've lost you forever, along with my heart. I should have told you the first day you confessed to me, how I felt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1st pov

“I love you…”

Again and again, it plays over in my head. Never ending, it continues to haunt me. Those soft spoken words, that they would hit me with such a force, forever inflicting pain to my body, my heart, my mind. 

“I love you…” “I love you…”

When I look back on all our time, the time I foolishly wasted in my anger, my broken pride…the time we could have had together instead of suffering with the emotions we forced each other to hide…all that time compared to the never ending future I now must face alone… I don’t know which is worse, my regrets or the memories. The things I should have done. Or the things I shall never, be able to do.

“I love you…” “I love you…”

Did you ever hear me say I love you in return? Or was your mind filled with the many foul names and insults I hurled at you daily? Did you know…I didn’t mean any of it. That all the times I shouted at you, saw the pain in your eye, all I wanted to do was hold you close and tell you I was sorry. When ever I walked away from you, all I wished to do was turn around and run to your arms, and tell you…

“I love you…” “I love you…” “I love you…”

I remember the first time you told me you loved me… we were fighting, but once you said that everything had gone silent. Our eyes met. Two sets of red. You face was blank, a mask. No sign of a smirk or frown but your eyes…how they burned. 

I watched you. Seeing if you were lying, after all, how could someone like you understand love? I knew love, had seen it on the faces of people passing on the streets, and had seen it in books. I knew love, because I loved you. But I shouldn’t. And whatever happiness I felt once those words escaped your lips, I pushed away without a thought. Anger, betrayal, and spite… those are the feelings I held. So I scoffed at your words as if they were nothing but a waste of time, and glared at you as I spoke in a harsh tone, “pfft, oh of course you do. Because you can love! Did you expect me to say it back? To live happily ever after, side by side? Oh my” I watched the burning in your eyes fade and dim, and hurt instead filled them. I couldn’t look at you, seeing how my words ate at you…so I left and did not look back. But even as I walked away, I could smell the tears that you shed. 

Years passed by in an instant. 

Things had changed once more between us. I had changed. I continued to deny any and all feelings for you beyond hate, but it just kept growing, that feeling inside my chest. So when every day since then, you continued without fail to tell me, with a small genuine smile of affection, that you loved me…I lashed out.   
I hit you. I clawed at you and struck you with out mercy. I knew you wouldn’t fight back, but it only made it worse. I would become a mess, a mix of anger, angry at what- who you were, and desperate, why didn’t you fight back…why didn’t you try? I asked you once, well I say asked, I shouted- demanded you to tell me. And what did you say….

“I won’t fight back, for if you strike me, it’s because I deserve it.” 

I was at loss for words. How was I supposed to respond to that? If I had stopped letting my pride control me, I would have cried. I would have fallen to my knees and wrapped my arms around you, as I let tears fall. I would have told you that you didn’t and that you have never deserved to be treated like this. Not by anyone, and never by me. 

Then one day, I left. This particular fight had been the worst, in any of the time we shared together. The things I said, that we both said, only fuelled each others words. The hurt, and the constant hunger I had been feeling lately, only made me more determined to break you, so… I brought up something I shouldn’t have. I brought up the past. And I watched as you fell apart. Then like I do, like I always do, I walked away from you. Only this time, you tried to stop me. I knew I should have stopped, I knew in my heart I wanted to stay, but I didn’t. 

I was so weak from hunger and distracted by my thoughts that I never noticed the figure watching me…following me. Until I heard something move through the air, thanks to my reflexes I managed to avoid a death blow, but my right arm was bleeding heavily from being caught.   
I turned around to face my opponent and came face to face with an angel. This was bad. I didn’t have a lot of strength in me… it looked doubtful I would be able to kill it, but I tried. 

It came at me again, a holy golden sword in hand as it dived towards me. I jumped to the side, I swung my good arm, hoping to land a hit on its face, but it suddenly vanished. Next thing I knew I felt a pain in my back as I was kicked, sending me skidding and rolling across the floor. Standing up, I tried to attack it, only to be met blow for blow, before it tried to swing its sword at me one more. It managed to cut across my chest, from shoulder to hip. Again it moved, swinging back and forth towards me. I stumbled back and ended up tripping. The angle moved to stand in front of me. It raised its sword, for what would be the final time. 

All I could think of in that moment was ‘I never told him’ as I closed my eyes, picturing his face, in what would be my last moment. I heard as the angels weapon was swung in the air. I heard the ghastly sound of blood splattering and skin ripping.

But I never felt the pain. 

So I opened my eyes…

There you were. Standing before me with a dead angel at your feet, its heart in your hand…and its sword sticking out of your body…

I froze. No. NO, this wasn’t meant to be! Why you… why did you come after me…why did you save me!!? 

You let the heart fall from your bloody hand, and placed it on the swords handle, pulling it out of your body and throwing it away. I watched as you swayed slightly before collapsing. But I caught you before you could hit the ground. I held you close, wishing this was just a nightmare, that you would be fine. I placed a hand on your wound, but it was too deep and you were losing so much blood. There was nothing I could do.   
You started to cough and gasp for air, and all I could do was hold you…. I gently used my hand, now covered in your blood, to gently move some of the hair out of your eyes. You smiled at me.

“Y-you’re crying. I ne-never t-thought I would see such w-weakness from you…” you whisper.

I laugh as I now feel the hot tears on my face. “How like you to say such a thing.” 

“It hurts” You groan 

“I know, p-please try not to make any sudden movement… you’ll be fine, okay, just…j-just…” I trail off. I wish it were the truth…I pray to the god I don’t worship, let him live. I’ll do anything, I swear just please…don’t take him away from me. I need him. But no one help’s, instead his breathing becomes ragged and shallow.

“I o-ordered you to ne-never l-lie… I know t-this is I-t. At l-east I got to s-see you, o-one last t-time.” I can’t hold back the sob that escapes me as you slowly reach up to cup my face. This should not be happening. 

“F-forgive me. Just tell me, why did you do this…WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE INSTEAD OF ME?!” I’m shouting at the end, but you just smile as you roll your eyes.

“I th-ough I t-told yo-u, silly d-demon…” you pulled my head down, before whispering into my ear… 

“I love you” 

Your hand falls, your chest is barely rising now. 

“Please DON’T DIE! I need you please” I beg. I bring my forehead to yours and I finally tell you

“Please don’t leave me, I love you”

One last smile and then…nothing

Your eyes fade over, your breathing stops…and my world shatters. I sit there for hours, holding you, rocking us back and forth as I cry and tell you over and over how sorry I am, that I never meant to hurt you and how much I love you. 

But it’s too late. I’ve lost you forever, along with my heart. I should have told you the first day you confessed to me, how I felt. I can’t even be sure if you heard me in that last breath of yours… now all I have is an eternity filled with regrets, and your words, forever in my mind. I wish it was me who had died. I wish I could go back and change what I did to you.

I wish…every single time you told me…

“I love you”

I wish I had said …

“I love you to, Ciel”


	2. 2nd pov

“I love you…” 

Just three words. It’s funny how much they can mean to someone. I don’t even know if they can fully express what I feel for you. But what else is there, that holds a greater truth?

“I love you…” “I love you…”

I tried to hide it at first. I knew that it didn’t matter what I felt, in the end, you would be the one to finish me. It was to be a bittersweet moment. You would kill me, but it was okay…because it was you. So I cherished every smile you gave me, every gentle touch, everything about you. Because it was all I had to keep me going. But then, through no fault of my own, I became like you. Now, I would get to live beside you. You would never kill me. I could remain by your side. I was so happy… I was going to tell you then. But when I looked at you, all I could see was the fury concealed in those eyes, and those once smiling lips, replaced with bared fangs as you growled and spat at me. You tried to kill me. What happiness I felt… was instantly gone. But the truth would never change, even if you did… I would still wait. I still wanted to tell you…

“I love you…” “I love you…” 

I would lie awake at night, replaying everything you said to me through out the day, every foul and wicked word. Each curse and insult…how you wished you could kill me. Wished I was dead. It felt like you once again plunged your fist into my chest, only this time you were gripping my heart. Squeezing it till it almost burst, before letting it go, so you could repeat it the next day. And the next day, and the next day, it never stopped. Yet while I clutched at my pillow, trying to fight back the pain, part of me knew that somewhere deep inside, the old you was in there. Even if he never came back…my feelings would never change for you…

“I love you…” “I love you…” “I love you…”

Then during a fight, I couldn’t help it, I told you. I told you I loved you. It went silent. You looked shocked at first, but I didn’t move, didn’t say anything. I needed you to know I was serious. Then I saw it. That old spark came back in your eyes. I thought…maybe, you felt the same. But then it was gone. Your face turned dark and you glared at me, sneering. I knew what ever you said next would hurt; I knew it and was prepared for it. So why is it, when you scoffed, and spoke to me like I was dirt, saying “pfft, oh of course you do. Because you can love! Did you expect me to say it back? To live happily ever after, side by side? Oh my,” why did it feel as if my world had once again been stolen from me. What do mean? “Because you can love!” Is it because you see me as a child? Because I used to hide my emotions? Do you truly hate me that much…because I live...? Don’t you see, I can and I do love? Please believe me. Even though, my heart was ripped apart, it still belongs to you. Even as it shattered, to the sound of your foot steps, as you walked away from me. Just wait, please don’t leave me, you are all I have, don’t go. 

You didn’t even look back. 

I couldn’t hold it in any more…so I cried.

Alone and curled up on the floor. I just wanted to hear you say it in return…

Years passed by in an instant.

Things had changed between us. You had changed. You became colder and harsher than you already were. But still, everyday since then I would smile and tell you I loved you, just to see that old spark of warmth and joy and…maybe one day, love? In your eyes before you pushed it away. It gave me hope. Even when you decided to take your anger out on me by lashing out, I know you didn’t mean it. You were still mad from the loss of the contract. That was all it was…right ….right?

So you hit me. You clawed and struck me with out mercy. But I wouldn’t fight back, even if it only made it worse. I would look at your eyes, even if they glowed bright in hate and anger, and something else I couldn’t name, they were beautiful. Did you know? Since I met you I came to love the colour red. One time you shouted- demanded I tell you why I didn’t fight back…why I didn’t try? So I told you….

“I won’t fight back, for if you strike me, it’s because I deserve it.” 

And I did. After all, how dare I, who should long be dead, live. How dare someone like me stand beside someone like you, and love you, when you had only been with me for one reason, before taking that away from you. So hit me if you want I deserve it. If it’s you, it’s okay, because it’s you, and I just want you to be happy.

But then one day you left. It was during a fight, the worst we had ever faced. We both said things, I said things, I didn’t mean. I know it was the heat of the moment, our feelings and hunger that was at fault. Yes I knew you were in pain from not feeding, due to the contract. But it only fuelled us to see who could hurt the other more. Then you did it. You brought up the past. You told me how you should have left me where I was, that you should have killed me before I turned. You mentioned my parents, said that were most likely happy they were dead than if they were to have me now, after what I have become. I- I knew you didn’t mean it. But- but how could you…why would you say such things! Everything fell apart in front of me. I couldn’t take it. We needed to end this. Please stop hurting me, us. Stop trying to hide what you feel. I saw the regret in your eyes as you walked away. Why do you do this? You always walk away! But this time I went after you, told you to stop. We needed to fix this. Yet you carried on, till I lost sight of you.

I looked for you. I had no idea where you were or what was happening. But I knew I was close. Then I could smell it. Blood. Your blood. I used my speed to race towards where you were. Something was wrong and I had to find you! Then I saw it. No, why was this happening! The angel was stood above you, sword at the ready. And you were just laying there on the ground. I was unnoticed, I had the upper hand. Then my body moved. I knew what would happen but it was okay. Because it was for you…

So I protected you, like you did for me so long ago. I ripped the angels heart out, whilst taking the blow that would have killed you. It was agony, I felt my skin as it was torn and shredded, watched my blood as it left my body. But you were safe. I let the heart fall to the floor, before I removed the weapon from my body and threw it away. It felt like I was burning in the pain that shocked through me. I was losing a lot of blood and felt dizzy.

I Fell. 

But you caught me…you held me close, like I wished you would. I felt your hand as you tried to apply pressure to the wound, but it wouldn’t help. It was too deep. There was no coming back from this. There was nothing we could do. So I just looked at you, memorising your face. But what’s this? Love your crying…please don’t be sad. I’m sorry I made you cry. Let your smile be the last thing I see. Then, softly, ever so gently; you brush the hair out of my eyes. And I smile. Though it hurts to talk, I manage to whisper through my pain “Y-you’re crying. I ne-never t-thought I would see such w-weakness from you…” 

You laugh and it sends warmth to my slow beating heart. “How like you to say such a thing.” You speak through your tears. But you’re smiling at me, just like you used to. Like I pictured you would, all this time. Looking into your eyes I see all the emotions you're feeling, long gone are the walls of hate and instead are warmth, pain, sorrow and…is it, could it be…?

I want, need, to hold you close, I tried to move but I can’t. “It hurts” I groan. 

You pull me closer, you feel so warm compared to my now cold body. It’s getting hard to focus, but I hear your voice “I know, p-please try not to make any sudden movement… you’ll be fine, okay, just…j-just…” You sound scared as you try to reassure me, or maybe the both of us. But I know it’s useless. It’s a lie, and I don’t want anymore lies. Not anymore. 

“I o-ordered you to ne-never l-lie… I know t-this is I-t. At l-east I got to s-see you, o-one last t-time” I just managed to lift my arm, so I could touch his face as it starts to blur together, but I can still his eyes. I wish we could have held each other like this sooner. But at least I can have this moment. At least he is safe.

“F-forgive me. Just tell me, why did you do this…WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE INSTEAD OF ME?!” 

I smile and roll my eyes the best I can. What a stupid question. He should know by now. I have been saying it to him for years. I would continue to do so if I could; I just want to hear him say it…just once. I’m so cold and my eyes feel heavy as I try and keep them open. I don’t want to leave him. “I th-ough I t-told yo-u, silly d-demon…” then using the last of my strength I pull his head down, as I whisper for the last and final time…

“I love you”

Then everything stats to fade, my strength gone, my hand falls. 

“Please DON’T DIE! I need you please” I hear you. I can feel you as you place you forehead on mine. 

Everything is going black. I’m so cold. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please, I don’t want to leave you, I’m sorry. I love you. I love you. I love you. 

I feel nothing. See nothing. But then in the darkness, I hear your voice one last time. I hear you…

“Please don’t leave me, I love you”

You love me… 

You love me… 

Thank you. I’m so happy…

And Sebastian…

I love you to…


	3. In The End

Time meant nothing to his kind. Years would pass in the blink of an eye and they wouldn’t think twice about it. But ever since that night…time was a never ending torture. His life was an empty void, continuing to exist without meaning. He refused to take on a contract, only taking a soul when necessary. It didn’t matter that people around him continued to live, as they talked and laughed and smiled. It didn’t bother him the slightest when science and technology changed the way they lived. Centuries passed. The world carried on, but not ‘his’ world. 

He was merely a shell, just lying on the ground. He didn’t sleep, if he did he would be plagued nightmares, forcing him to relive that moment over and over again. Years passed, before one day, he just started to wonder aimlessly, he ignored the looks others sent his way. He didn’t care what they thought, they didn’t understand. Many times he thought of finding someway to end his life, but he never would. Not because he wanted to live, but because it would mean Ciel’s sacrifice to save him was for nothing.   
He sighed. Ciel… he missed him, longed for him with everything in his body. Everyday he would look up the sky, just to pretend it was those blue eyes. It killed him inside, little by little each and every single day. But it was only at night, when he truly felt alone. It was during that time, that he would cry what he kept hidden during the day. Then it would continue the next day, and the next…and the next… it never stopped.

It was now the 20th century, modern day. Sebastian was currently sitting in a café, just staring at the cup of tea in front of him in a daze. Earl Grey. Ciel’s favourite. The corner of his lips twitched up as all the memories came back of when he played butler, for his Bochan. He turned his head to face the window as he felt his eyes begin to sting, as the pain in his chest once again hit him. 

He was slightly startled at the sound of a voice speaking to him.

“Well, just look at you Bassy. What happened to that deadly and frightful demon I used to chase?”

Turning his head back round he came face to face with Grell. 

“He lost everything” He muttered. 

Grell frowned. “Are you still on about that brat? Please, he was such a weak-“

“Shut the hell up! Don’t you dare say another word about him!” Sebastian growled, eyes flashing red in warning. 

Grell raised in hands in a gesture to calm down. “Geez, You're worse than normal. You know I mean nothing against it, I’m actually quite fond of the little earl.” 

Sebastian closed his eyes as he pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation. “I know it’s just…today’s the anniversary of…you know…” 

Grell’s eyes shone with understanding, before he suddenly became serious. “Do you still love him?”

Sebastian lowered his hand and glared. “What a stupid question” he said, then he smiled sadly. “Of course I do, he was my everything. I just wish…” he trailed off, eyes lowering to the tea in front of him. 

Grell suddenly smirked, eyes glittering in a way that told you he was up to something. “Well, who knows, wishes are funny things ya’know. Besides, you’d be surprised how many lives a single human can be born in to.” 

Sebastian frowned. “What are you-“Out the corner of his eye he caught a blur of grey. Turning his head towards the window at break neck speed he looked for that familiar colour…but it was gone. Looking back towards his company he found him to be gone also. 

It must have been his mind playing tricks on him, due to the shinigami's words. He sighed, for a minuet; there he had actually hoped… he knew better than this. After all, once something is lost, it can never come back. 

Sparing on last glance at the now cold tea, he got up and left the café. 

After stopping at a flower shop, he made his way to his and Ciel’s special place. It was a cliff where wild flowers would grow, as it over looked the sea. It wasn’t too far away from where the manor used to be. They would come here sometimes, till the sun began to set, just enjoying the view and breeze. It was the one place; they could forget all their troubles. But they hadn’t been here since before Ciel turned. So every Year on that same day, or when he just wanted to feel close to his lost love, here he would be. Imagining it was just the two of them once more.

Kneeling down, he gently placed a bouquet of white roses onto the ground.

“Bochan, these are for you. I know how much you love them.” He paused, as if waiting for an answer. But as always, all he got in return was silence. His heart clenched painfully, as he took in a shaky breath. “I think about you a lot, you know. Everyday, I picture you. I see you as I held you in my arms, how you smiled at me…and it hurts. It hurts so much that I can’t bear it. Everyday I wish I could apologise for how I acted. If only I had stayed with you, we could have been together still. I’m sorry. But know I love you, when you left you took my heart with you. What left of it I still have in this worthless body of mine still belongs to you.” He whispered, hand gripping his chest, right over his heart. Slowly he stood up and looked at the sky. “What I would give, to have you with me now. To hear you say my name one more time…”

“Sebastian…”

Red eyes widened in surprise. How cruel was his mind? Playing with him yet again-

“Sebastian…”

What?...Slowly, as if he would frighten away what ever his mind had created, he turned around…only to find someone standing a few steps behind him.

He tried to speak, tried to move but he couldn’t. Instead he fell to his knees, both hands covering his mouth in shock, never minding the tears that were streaming down his face.   
The figure walked over to stand in front of him till they bent down, so they were level. Then ever so carefully, they raised their hand and gently brushed away some of the tears, caressing his face. They smiled, before opening their mouth to speak.

“You’re crying. I never thought I would see such weakness from you…” 

Sebastian couldn’t believe what was in front of him. He moved his hands and placed them on the others face, making sure this was real and not something he pictured. 

“C-Ciel?” He breathed.

Ciel nodded. “Hi Sebastian…” he whispered, eyes becoming watery. 

Then as if they spell surrounding him had been broken, Sebastian launched him self at the other, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him in as close to his body as he could. Ciel held on just as tightly, as they both cried, overwhelmed now that they had finally been reunited.

“Ciel, Ciel, Ciel, Ciel.” Sebastian repeated over and over. He buried his face into the others soft grey hair. “I thought…I lost you. I watched you die. You…y-you…”

Ciel clutched at the back of Sebastian’s top. “I know, I know I’m sorry. Its okay, it took a while, but I’m here now. I won’t leave again.”  
Sebastian pulled back so he could look into those blue eyes; he had missed this whole time. “Ciel I need to tell you…I love you! I should have told you before, but I love you” he cried desperately. 

Ciel, overjoyed, smiled though his tears. As he pressed their foreheads together “I love you to” 

Sebastian too smiled, for the first time in centuries. He was finally whole and with his precious person once more. And this time, he swore he would make sure nothing would keep them apart, as they held each other long into the night.

So, the two of them were finally brought back together. But only this time there would be no fighting, no pain or suffering. Just their love for one another, like it should have always been.

And as they held each other, they promised this, with their very first kiss.

 

End


End file.
